Closed doors, open windows

A little over a year ago we closed the door to ever having biological children. I am not doubting God's miracles, we are just no longer pursuing anything with doctors. The day we made that decision was not easy for either of us, and of course he was on the boat-this made it even more difficult for him. Over the past year we have grown in our marriage and for that I am ever so thankful. God continues to show us it is not our way, but His.

After 10 grueling months of living in a travel trailer- whose idea was that?- we decided to buy instead of build. The main motivation for this was that Lance happened upon a house almost exactly what we wanted to build. (God thing!) Words can not express the feeling of being back in a house again. I know the saying says "home is where the heart is", but that tin can kept getting smaller every month!

We reopened our home for foster care with the intentions of just that, foster care. We know that in the future we want to pursue private adopt. However, we want it to be on God's time and not ours. Over and over again He proves that when we push something to happen before it's suppose to we usually get more heartache brought on by ourselves.

Last night God brought sweet twin girls into our home. People may not understand why we do what we do, and that's okay. If you know me from forever ago, then you know my heart is and has always been for children. Especially those who go without the necessities. About 9 years ago my husband started praying for a wife and I started praying for a husband. (Of course neither one of us knew this until about a year into our relationship.) I know God made us for each other, because Lance has that huge heart for children just like I do. All you have to do is hear it in his voice when I tell him we received another call for a placement. (He will deny, deny, deny, but don't be fooled!)

Who knows how long we will have these twins in our home, but I'm pretty sure they'll forever be in our hearts. One of the blessings of opening our home is hearing, "Will you hang it on the fridge?"

When it seems God has closed the door, remember there are still windows to open!

One Year Ago

This weekend, one year ago, a sweet little blond hair, blue eyed, scared girl came into our home. That Friday night we bought Tinker Bell sheets and comforter, a Tinker Bell night light, a Tinker Bell doll, a pink lamp, a princess bed time story book, and the list goes on. It was like having a new born child brought into our home. Everything was new, everything was exciting... even those wild temper tantrums that some of you were able to experience with us! We helped her to overcome her fear of water, we taught her how to love, and we showed her what "family" is really all about.

One year ago, we were lied to by a foster care worker. We were told this little girl who stole our hearts would soon be available for adoption. So, maybe we did allow ourselves to become more attached than normal. BUT if you know Lance and me, then you know how dear children are to our hearts, and getting attached was inevitable.

One year and 2 1/2 months ago we had to say good-bye to this sweet, blond hair, blue-eyed, brave girl. In 2 1/2 months she grew in her ability to face her fears, accept new things, and in love. She was only 4 years old when she came and went. She left 10 days shy of her 5th birthday, although our family and friends gave her the best birthday!

Two weeks ago as school was ending she came to my mind. I pray that she survived Kindergarten and will start 1st grade in August. I pray that one day she will remember Mrs. Becka and Mr. Lance, and the love we gave to her last summer.

Some pictures I finally feel comfortable sharing of our summer time together...

 A project we did together; a memory for us

 One of the many times swimming in Mr. George's pool

Her favorite activity!

 Fun with friends @ church

:)

Having fun... mudding!

Trip the Aquarium in New Orleans

On top of Mt. Magazine!

One of our 2 trips to Arkansas

Our story does not end with this one little girl, it began with her. We know God has a purpose for us, but just like everyone we won't know until it is meant to be known.


~ Becka

Home Sweet...

Home? What's that? I guess we will go with the old adage "Home is where the heart is." We are closing on the house next week. Although many respond with "that's great!" when I tell them we accepted an offer on our house only after 16 days of being on the market, I am having a difficult time to find the greatness.

It's funny how often times we continue to think we can plan it all out and it's going to work the way we planned it. 

So, my idea of selling the house was that it would happen in the following order: 

* Go on the market in late spring
* Start building on our land
* Get an offer around the first of the school year, when our house is almost finished
* Move out and into the new place by Christmas
* Have our new home sweet home

Reality:

* Go on the market in early spring
* Don't have a clue as to what we are going to do if it sales
* Get an offer during Spring Break, that we could not refuse!
* Close on or before May 17th (thankfully, it's getting closer to May 17th!)
* Move into his parents house 
* Still have no clear idea of where we will live...

God has a plan, even when ours fails. 

Open the Eyes of my Heart

This week has been revival at our church. And let me just say I am being revived! I have not had this kind of encounter with my Lord in a long while. God is truly blessing me through the preacher and the music.

The first night the preacher spoke out of 1 Samuel. If you know this book, then you know this book starts off with how Hannah could not have children, and she prayed and prayed. Her husband favored her and he prayed and prayed. God did bless them with Samuel. In turn Hannah returned him to serve with Eli in the temple. Well, the preacher starts off giving this background and states "there is something in a woman that is never satisfied until she becomes a mother." OH, how I know this oh so well. I know my God has a plan for me (us), because it is promised in His word He left for us.

Tonight (being the 3rd night) the song "Open the Eyes of my Heart" was sung. This brought back memories of a precious 4 year old, blonde head, blue eyed girl who stole our hearts (& the hearts of many friends and family) last summer. Some nights I would rock her, because it is how she slept peacefully (and honestly whatever it takes is whatever it takes). This was one of the songs I would sing. I sung it as more of a prayer for me and for her. I wanted God to show me life through her eyes. I wanted God to let me see love through the eyes of my heart.

Our hearts will forever be changed by "Pretty in Pink- Boots".

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord

Open the eyes of my heart

I want to see You

I want to see You

~ Becka 

Moving Forward

Once again we (Lance & I) have come to and through a crossroads in our life together as one.

We were told about a month ago that the "first round" of medication did not react the way it was suppose to with my body. The doctor wanted to do another round "differently". This meant another month of waiting and more money. This also meant we never even made it to the retrieval or transfer stages.

Lance & I decided that we did not feel it was right to place anymore time or money into the doctor.  So, we chose to stop with IVF and move forward. This had to be the most difficult decision we have made together so far. To us this means that we are done with the doctors. We are never going to revisit IVF. Even as I type these words it is hard on my heart to handle, but I know we chose right.

Now where are we moving forward to? That is a great question. We really don't know, and honestly I am so unsure it scares me when I think about it all. The things that we do know is that this experience brought us closer to each other and that we still love each other. As Lance likes to say, "This is just another test."

Will we continue to do foster care? Eventually. Right now we are taking a break from everything and just being us.

Will we ever adopt? The answer is the same as before...If God presents it to us in His timing, then we will open our heart and home.

I know many did not agree with us doing IVF, but it wasn't your decision to make. In this journey we have found peace in knowing that God's plans are bigger than our plans AND peace in knowing that IVF was not our journey to complete.

Thank you all for the prayers and continued prayers. God has a plan for us even though we may not see it now, but I know my God and I know He never fails in His promises.

~ Becka

Peace

Peace comes in many different forms. Peace signs, peace of mind, Peace: Not War...

This week we received peace of mind. Did we receive understanding? No. I believe we will never understand the things that happen in our lifetime here on Earth. Our understanding will come when we enter the gates of Heaven. Although I know I personally have a list of things I want to ask God, I believe I will forget them when I am forever standing in His glory.


A few weeks ago I was pouring my heart out to my preacher's wife about everything going on with the I.V.F. and my concerns. She brought to my attention that no matter what we would find peace in the outcome. We would have the peace of having our own biological child or peace in knowing that we tried everything we could with the doctor. 

The peace we received this week is that we have peace in knowing that we tried everything we could with the doctor. 

We are done trying to have our own child/children. Yes, I have peace and yes, my heart is broken. I know God has a plan for us. Right now I feel like I'm not sure what that plan is, except to be the wife to my husband that God has shown me to be in His word. 

So... we keep running the race, because our prize is yet to come. 

Thank you for the prayers. 


Love to all,

Becka 

Warning!

Warning! Warning! Warning! 

I have completed Day 3 of my stimulation calendar. I go tomorrow for blood work, then back again Wednesday. I'm not sure when from there. However; I am noticing some changes in already. I'm not complaining, just sharing so you can laugh along with me, because I'm definitely laughing at myself these days. 

Here's a list (I love lists!):

1. I am sensitive. 

2. My definition of sensitive: I cry over anything, get emotional over anything, and may get angry just over spilling milk. 

3. I am HOT! 

The it's 52 degrees outside and I'm wearing capris, flip flops, and a sleeveless shirt to church type of hot. Oh! And I'm running the A.C. 

4. I am more alert. (I'm sure this has to do with the steroid.)

5. My appetite has grown over night (Again, I blame the steroid).

 Let me explain... I ordered a bowl of steamed broccoli and a Triple Decker Club from O'Charley's Saturday... 

AND ATE EVERY SINGLE BITE!

I smile at this list, because I know it will bring a blessing. I just feel so blessed to have the opportunity to go through this procedure. I know God is going to bless Lance and I; and I can't wait to see how He's going to do it. I give all praise to Him for making this possible.